working saturday

this is my first time of working on Saturday. I have been working for the past 2 years and working on Saturday never been part of the contract, unless working overtime.

It was really another "tiring" day. Off work around 1:30pm. I don't know why everytime I walked by this underpass, no matter it is 6pm, 6:30pm or 1:30pm, the walkway always crowded with lots of people. Heading ups and downs. It is also my very first day, I got my ears blocked with mp3 songs playing from my new music player mobile. Almost everyone you see in the MRT are doing so. It's like the trend in Singapore. It is not only restricted to teenager, but you can find the same trend to some aunties. My first impression when seeing them doing so is, "wah...cool~"...I can't imagine if my mum will ever do so.

After that, I went to have a haircut. Thought it would be nicer in the sense of I could more easily handling my hair. But, IT IS NOT! Ya...my workplace need to tie-up all my hair into a "bun". It's very annoying. If you not get the styling right, you will look much like "auntie". In the sense of, I'm not good in it and it's destroying my straight hair! However, every place you go, there are rules to follow. Well, I never have this haircut style before. Kinda new image to me. But, still look like me. What am I talking about?

Right after reached home, I got myself doing the rest of the laundry. Never thought, another super "bad-luck" things happened to me again. This connection of water outlet discharge from washing machine to bathroom was sort of disconnect. The whole kitchen was basically FLOATED! It took me about half an hour to gets all the water out from the kitchen and dried off the floor. This what make me super tiring. My backbone was sort of injured. Sigh... Luckily, nobody home. At the end of successfully get the kitchen floor dry, I also get the floor clean and smooth to walk on. However, I had clean the kitchen like last week?! It's not necessary to do it again in this week.

(Still about doing laundry). At first I'm not that used to the way Singaporean doing laundry. I am living in this HDB flat - more likely a flat in Malaysia with slightly better. There is no place for you to dry out your clothes, etc. There are few hanging poles on the top of the kitchen which hang onto some kind of attachment to the ceiling. The ceiling height is around 3m?...Ya..it's quite high for me. Each time, I need a chair to help me reaching the poles to hang on those cloths. It gets tougher, when I need to dry out this queen-sized bedsheet and comforter cover. It needs few times of climbing up and down the chair and I'm not tall enough to get those in position. It took me lots of energy in doing so. Well....I have done it.

After did the ironing cloths, I was death sleep. Planning to wake up around 7:30pm to watch "A Walk to Remember", but I only awake at 9:30pm. In which I am so regret of because, I can't sleep now! Time already show 11:53pm. Long night to go.....

easter holiday

today is the easter holiday in singapore. i couldn't go back hometown as tomorrow i still need to work. today time passed quite fast. probably, i have spent most of time personalized my new mobile, sleeping and doing housekeeping.

i know i have to sleep now. yet, don't feel save to sleep as nobody home yet. quite scare, of course.

tomorrow, would be another ordinary day of going to work. there is one huge personal issue need me to solve, need me to prepare emotionally without breaking down. there is always no solutions to it since 5 years ago. our issues...never have the solutions. because of that, i do feel "lazy" to think of any solution as it is always deemed to be rejected. whatever my decision is, always sound i'm stubborn to him. the issue never gets out of my life. just trying my best to get rid of it. putting whole of my effort in tuning myself into the career in order not to think much about it. it does much "torturing" to my heart. but, this is the best solution for us?...maybe...

FRIEND! ya....that's the repetitive word which always comes into picture! that's deemed the best title for us.

loneliness still visiting me that often. everyday, keep myself clear once wearing up the "assistant manager" uniform and trying to put all the personal issue asides. yet, once, i gets it off and start walking back to mrt, loneliness come along accompany me all the way back home. people passing by very fast. some having another one who call lover accompany them to walk along the underpass.. the emotion gets more lonely when everytime passing by this man singing some romantic songs with playing some musical instruments. why I have chose loneliness? i do ask and wondering, what time he will be reaching home tonight? having plans again? qnd ya..as usual...I can't ask. it's been few times, drafted sms and yet deleted before it is being sent out. time after time, just let those questions passed by and leave. if I'm doing it, i'm crossing the line in which he has set earlier on.

i do looking forward to find my own circle of friends. in which, i hope i will not be that lonely here. furthermore, i believe this is what he want me to live in all the while. whatever i'm trying to do, i do mean it at the best. i don't hope to become one of his burden.

i don't know why i got this feeling, next month is going to be the hard time for me to go through. who want to be lonely during birthday? who wanna be catching own favourite upcoming movie (pirates of carribeans) by walking in the cinema on your own? i know, no matter what i shoudn't be break down. i have promise him, no disappointment in any ways. nobody force me to be here living in the loneliness. i got no one to be blame. i just need to get myself strong enough to face the reality and to be on my own.

i know i have been waiting for someone which is more likely waiting for rain in the drought.

through the rain

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught and in pain
Without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's ok
Won't you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need
To prevail
Won't you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you
You'll never pull through
Don't hesitate
Stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You're gonna make it through the...
Rain...

*a song that once i had been in love so much, which had make me stand-up from the discouragement. after 5 years now, this song touch me again to encourage me to walk-out from the loneliness*

old emails

....i am seriously in deep crying now. i was too bored until read back all those "old" emails back to date year 2002. emails which started off with very sweet meaning until breaking my heart apart.

i didn't know how i was able to take it in those period. i do recall, it must a deep hurt and i took a very long time to climb up, back the confident shuiman. when i'm reading them through, i will still crying. i don't know how he manage to wrote such touching emails that i believe when times he wrote them, his heart was painful too.

i don't know why at this time, i do really hope he is around. catch him to read back those emails which continuously to make me cry even time passed 5 years now.

i also can't figure why i still keeping those emails. for the memories i guess and for the reminder to myself everytime, i'm about to fall in love with him again. hurt was previously made. first love.

lonely saturday in singapore

my week was actually started great. everything is new and i do feels want to explore more into this "stranger". rirst 3 days was very busy of settling down - going to GHS to report myself, medical checkup, banking stuff and others. yet, until the end of the week, i start to feels very lonely. he was busy with his works and own circle of life. he has no extra time to entertain me. ya...I try to survive here without anyone. i try to be strong. i try to prove to myself that i can be on my own taking care of myself. i even try to prove to him, it's alright, you have no worries on me, i'll find own entertainment. yet, somehow, something missing. - Care and Love -

it is really lonely when you take the mrt ride for 45 mins from office-home without anyone there. everyone in the mrt is a stranger to you. it is also lonely when you have dinner on your own and even when you got things to share but no one is hearing you. gosh........I don't hope I'm falling into the depressing mood.

at this moment...ya...I miss him a lots. I don't know where is he now. I can't ask when he did not say. This is one of our rules. i don't know what time he will be home. he just said...."very very very very late in the midnight".

it's so weird. it's kinda "struggling". no matter how much you love someone. you can't let him know either show him. you know there is a bad affect if you are doing it. in order you don't want to lost something in which you are quite happy for, you wouldn't do more than that to scare him off.

I know the fact, we can't be get back together anymore. The feelings are long gone. Almost 5 years - we are separated by different location and life zones. The spark no longer functioning. If I'm looking forward there is any chances, I know I'm just being very silly and naive. His life has been move on long time ago. I just hope no matter what I am doing now, is only those of the things I wish to done for him for the past (4+2) years when I don't have such chances.

I do appreciate we are still best friend now. He is still around for me when times like this. It's only...he can't devoted his time to accompany me. He is still the one I known 6 years ago.

Will he still remember my night safari trip?

~moo miss him lots~

strange city to live in

this is my first weekend “trap” inside this city – a city who call a “stranger” to me.

everything, every event happened too fast, too sudden and too surprisingly. i never thought i will be living here as what it is now. alright! if I’m planning for it, i never expected all this were happened within 1 month.

events that brought me to where I am now:

feb 02 to 04 – trip down to singapore with the main purpose: celebrating one of my dear old friend’s birthday. it has been 3 years i never came to singapore for him since the last time. the atmosphere and feeling are good. while learning more about living in singapore when having an opportunity meeting up some of my ex-course mates who are currently working in singapore as well. the end of the trip, something “zapping” into my heart: I should think about coming down Singapore to work.

feb 05 to 10 – seriously thinking about going to singapore to work. i was non-stop getting comments and feedback from some of my good friends. the main emotion issue i need to solve before making the decision is leaving home, leaving my parent and leaving what i was having – car, standard living environment, good career in which the company management is really appreciate my works. everything is actually sounded very perfect. The question is am i ready to left all this and re-start again? collecting opinions from friends and coincidently on early of the morning when I was driving to work, “Light & Easy” was played this “quote of the day” – “Thinking without an action, you never will achieve what you are thinking about”. finally, i made up my mind to give it a try in applying some jobs online.

feb 12 to 13 – getting some feedback from Jobstreets in which my application is failed. i was start to worry, will I get any jobs in singapore with the basic salary i requested. if i don’t getting such offer, why bother should i be leaving.

feb 14 – valentine’s day. just another day of the year, i thought it would be nothing special to me. yet, while driving home after work, i received a call from singapore. my first thought was actually thinking would it be my best friend? But, i’m wrong. it is extraordinary. a career is offered by grand hyatt singapore!

feb 15 – first interview conduct in KL. they were asking me for second interview in singapore itself, after CNY which is 26^th March 07.

feb 16 – feb 25 – Struggling weeks. i was like getting the job with 50% success. i start to feel scare and worry about lots of things – leaving home for don’t know how long, financially and the most to make myself clear: the main reason I want to go there? It is because of wishing for a new environment? Or such a good career offer in a big organization over the world? Or because of him?............... i know it’s my own responsible to make this question clear before really make the decision. all of my good friends are concern the most that I might be as silly as 5 years before. their one and only reminder, “never go there because of him!”

feb 26 – interview. i still have not got the answer to the most important question. i just told myself, once i stepped into the Hotel, i will put myself at the best for the interview. i bring the most confident of myself. i think of no others. finally, i got the job with never negotiate basic salary i requested. i’m happy for they never deduct the basic salary. as it is prove i deserve at such amount. they give me what i requested. yet, i don’t feel really happy either in the situation, i got the job. my feeling was all the way “numb”. i know i’m very scare deep down. i know, i got no turning point at this time. i got no one at this place. even tough, he is here. but, we just best friend – line was draw clear. it was really another “turning point” of my life – a job in singapore, and love problems.

feb 27 – back home. waiting for my work permit being approved and planning for the next step. at this point, i do hope to leave as soon as possible. for being selfish of planning if i could get to singapore before may 07, in which i give myself a chance to have him to celebrate my birthday as he has been missed it in these 6 years.

march 01 – in sudden, news of my dad being attacked by stroke bring my world turning around. i feel such a bad daughter of leaving home at this time. i know i will absolutely miss my dad a lots if i’m leaving. my emotion was totally out of control. i really don’t know what to do. am I doing the right move?

march 02 to march 14 – settling down my dad’s stroke problems. talk with my parent. and my dad is really supporting my leaving as he doesn’t hope with his problem affecting my decision and my future career. i have make up my mind after taking consideration of all the issues around. i can’t help much if i’m around for him. all my family need now is financial support.

march 15 – GHS called and confirming my work permit has been approved and they are willing to buy me off from my current company by paying them my two month notices. i need to leave immediately.

march 26 – Here am I.

april 02 – 1^st day in Grand Hyatt Singapore.

that’s the summary of events happened to me within 1 month. i still can’t take it as reality. i am in singapore now. i’m living in singapore. am i dreaming? every night since i’m here i do make a call back for my parent. i miss them a lot. and tonight especially extra miss them as i do feels very lonely. after the called made, i cried. i still try to pursued and telling myself, i do not make a wrong decision.