you are always be my friend

It has been a very gloomy weather in Singapore. It has been keep on raining. Does not feels like staying in the Asian countries - where hot and humid term take place.

It applied to my friendship with him. It's about a week now, we did not see each other and did not talk to each other. I thought this kind of situation will goes on. But, not until the day, where I really fall sick...where..I really miss him to be around so much. Even just a simple friend's care. Nothing is much comfort when you are lying half death on the bed and a touch of hand on your forehead checking on your fever. Nothing is so much comforting than a message telling you, "you are always be my friend."

...I really miss him a lots. I don't hope to lose this friend for the rest of my life.

pulau sing & pulau ping

Lately, I have been asking myself..."What is the purpose I am still here?" ...Am I really here because of his one sentence "long distance will not work out in me.." ...All my friends who knows the stories, were asking me to move out from his radius. Start a new life on my own and stop keeping in touch with him. But...I defended. I really can't do that. No matter how tough emotionally is and will be, I will keep on trying on built-up our friendship again.

I start to channelling myself into a picture of instead of 'want him to consider me again' to 'really giving my best to him, in order I could really take care of him'.. Dreams of staying with him and taking care of him was the dream I had long time ago before we set apart to University...(our language : pulau sing and pulau ping - spoke out on last night being as a very loving couple sitting facing the sea in Gurney Drive, Penang) ..**suddenly remember the first time, he learned ironing cloths at my home..back in year 2001**makes me laugh now when drafting this blog**

I feel it's my responsibility to take care everything that involve him - from doing all the houseworks, shops for groceries to all the minor-minor issues. I will make sure everything to anything is completed in good manner everyday. For him to come home feels comfortable and relax, that's my aim everyday before and after works. Why I'm doing this? Besides my own selfishness (as he loves to relate all these with it), it's also part of want him to feels blessed about his life. I know, there are so much things he want to accomplish but..he still not manage to achieve his big dreams. Oftenly, he do feels he have nothing; even though I always believe he has the power to change nothing to something.

I'm busy at work as well...but it's been few times, automatically when the clock shows 530pm, I found myself would want to rush back home as soon as possible to finish up all the necessary houseworks for the day. I will bring home the work to finish them up after all the houseworks are all done. Oftenly, I love to leave office a.s.a.p. because of this; but..also sometimes, I do caught in the emotion of loneliness because he is not able to be around for me.

How I wish him to know........ I really really hope you are appreciating me.

friday night

It feels like another ordinary day. Wake up, going to work and coming home from work. Looks 'ordinary'...but, who will know what lies deep inside this heart.

Already 2 days passed from a very stupid attempt to...yea...you know...what you will do when too depress? (left this blank for you to guess).. Keep on telling myself life still goes on. No matter what will happen in the next stage, I should be strong enough to face it like a wild grass spirit. Yea....a spirit which long lost in me. Friend told me, being strong is one things...being depress is another story. When you are too depress, too heartbreaking over something, being strong couldn't help much. We have to be brave enough to fight these feelings.

Again..I don't know where is him now. Probably wouldn't be coming home early like any others Friday. Perhaps he is meeting her up. Why should I be care uh? Yea..if I don't let myself thinking about it, emotionally, I could handle it better. Sometimes, just telling myself, if I really likes someone of course I will would like to see him, wait for his call and even die for the sms sound alert in the handphone. This is what appearing in his life now.

...I do miss him now. But, he wouldn't care. His eyes, his heart only have her... Where is him now? Is he happy? Making jokes around?..Laughing away his headache work days?

Since I'm in Singapore, he never spend a Friday night with me. In which, Friday is the night for hanging out. You can see your own colleagues will leave office on time; you will notice, MRT will pretty pack with people heading towards happening area during the off-work time. And I don't know...will it be one day, he will spend his Friday night for me?...

I miss you...

6 years...meaningless?

"Aiyo...walk faster la..you very aunty la.."

"See..see...you walk very dangerous la. Never look at people. Always 'bang' on people."

"Eh..careful on your ponytail la. Turn you head slowly. Your ponytail will hit people."

...Typical sentences he loves to comment on me whenever we are hanging out together. Especially in the MRT stations. Sometimes, I will feels pretty upset because he loves to said it in public. However, lately, I will miss those so much. I will smile or even laugh on myself whenever I thought of that. Feels his shadow is always besides me.

I believe in August 07 onwards, most of the things will change. We, of course will hang out even more lesser. I will miss those time even more. I don't know how to exactly describe this feelings. Again...I lost him.

Lately, oftenly heard from friends saying the sentence "love is blind". Love can be so blind that we might hurting our own friends without any choices, all because the word of LOVE her / him. He claimed, I should be understand more about it. Yet, one things he does not even know......if love is really that blind...I would not tell this another guy that I will not give up in everything that currently I have give my best to him. Once I have been struggling so much in highlighting the fact that I will not take our friendship for granted because this guy (who might have be my someone special now). I even put into the criteria, if any man who want to be with me, they have to accept the fact, I will not because of this man and break the chain of friendship I having with him and this man should have no power to take all my best on him.

I always believe it's been 6 years, our 'friendship' wouldn't be blind-off cause of love. However, he prove me wrong. He would do anything to everything for the reason of love. I start to feels, he is no longer the person I know so far. Our 'friendship' being put into the cold storage. We do it together - on the purpose I guess.

I really does not know how to work it out. Oftenly, fail in 'resentment' and all the question with 'why?', 'how could he?'... I really does not understand why love can be so blind in him. I have always been trust in him, his value & believe.

He rather choose to lose this 6-years friendship (by continuously hurting and disappointing me in all events), in order to win her heart. He even claimed..if really that is the choice, it alright to lose this friend who have been love, care and trust him for passed 6 years. Love is consider too powerful or too blind or even too stupid to live with?

selfishness

..."you can put your head on my shoulder..."

It was another ordinary day, I putting on my headphone listening to my mp3 collection in my handphone. It was the song by Westlife - On My Shoulder. I just took few steps out from train at the Orchard MRT, suddenly, a man fainted in front of me. I was totally stunned for a second. He really felt down on the marble floor. The falling sound awake everyone who just got out from the train. 2 man rushing toward him and checked on him. I could see his eyes width open. My first question in my heart was "is he still alive?"........It took me few minutes to 'revive' myself.

We will never ever knows what will happen in the future. We only can plan for our life. But, the fate for everything is beyond our power. We will never know, are we still living tomorrow? Or...will be someone we know going to leave us forever?

I always believe in when we are still living today, we should love the person we love and the person who loves us. Appreciate & treasuring them as today, he / she is still part of our life. How many times we have take someone who loves us for granted? How many times, we have ignoring the person who loves us and care for us?...

Sit down...think twice......why we can be so heartless sometimes? It is human selfishess?.. I don't know. Still searching for the answer.

friend's love

Today once I signed-in to the friendster, I have notice I got "new messages". I am so suprisingly to receive this message from one of my old friend. Long lost keeping in touch friend. She is one of our friend who has been encouraging me in 5 years ago to forget what I should have been forgotten. She now, sending me another message of supporting me to be strong in whatever issues am I going through. And then, I was receiving this msn chat-box alert - two of my friends asking me how am I here? Encourage me in all the way they could.

It was touching. I was almost cried when I receive a message from my this long lost keeping in touch friend. I'm basically can't believe that some of my friends here are reading my blog posts. They understand what I am going through. They know I need supports and encouragement.

I really don't know how to express my gratitude to their loves. I am much appreciated and touch. Few of my good friends did keep on asking me to walk away from his circle of life. They can't understand why it's been so many years passed, I still can't let go a love that never bloom, ever appreciated. They can't take it of having such a smart lady in work and so stupid and naive in a relationship. I understand their intention comes from loving me.

Everytime come to the explanation, I become very exhausted of make them understand why I am still here. Maybe, I myself don't have any answer either. I also not too sure, is this 5 years, am I really not let the love go? Yet, I did feels he wasn't there. I lived my own life. I guess, those feelings just re-visited. But, I'm really sure of, I'm much more stronger than before.

I was suffering in loving him in the past because I hope for a return of love. It was much more tougher when you got to know you was actually hoping for dissappointment. I never look back the past as funny or silly of myself. It was some experienced to gets me stronger. I never will let myself repeating the same. Yes, I do still love him now. But, in a way, I wish to take care of him. What I am having now, are those atmosphere, I was dreaming of 5 years ago. I'm appreciate the opportunities of being by his sides now, even though, we are not a steps further than friends. It's about loving someone without hoping for a return in which he will do the same to you.

I don't know how long more he is allow me to be by his sides. The possibility he will somehow, getting a girlfriend soon or even, he is too love me as friend, in a way, he will kick me off from his life. I'm scare of facing it. But, it is still a reality. I got no more excuse to begging onto a feet who does not have any feeling at me.

Whatever it is, I love what am I doing for him now. I know I will never regret. Funny goes, I know I have to face it sooner and later, but I never hope it will happened so fast. Somehow, selfishness do come into picture. It's even funny when I think about...what's wrong with me that's he will not touch with everything I have done for him? I'm not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not understand him enough? What makes me not eligible for him to fall in love with? Well....It's just silly to blame the issue in all this way.

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sin, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes...." - quoted from A Walk to Remember (Nicholas Sparks)