it's 2:30 am

It is 2:31am - Sunday morning now. I totally awake after drank 1 small bottle of wine consist of 13.5% alcohol. I was totally death sleep for the passed few hours. I don't know how to get myself into bed now. Realizing he is still not home yet since this morning. I don't know where is him now, and dare not to send any sms to him. Don't know how is him for the whole day. Hope he is alright.

waiting again

Day started off with a heavy rain. Suddenly, many thoughts bothering and attacking my heart. Going through few different / split personalities whereby I myself didn't know which one is me. I don't know how far I can go from here. I'm scare. Feels empty and insecurity. I don't know how to makes things right. I don't know which the best solution for the problem I'm facing now.

I just can sit there staring at the outside rain. Thinking nothing..about..the matter of "them". It's just so suddenly the impact of he is going to get her to be his gf crashing down to my heart. I don't know when. Probably soon. I don't know. I'm very worry for myself. I don't know how am I going to take it. How am I going to survive in this kind of situation - "again"?. While, even worst....we are staying under one roof.

*long pulse*...

I love being with him all the time. Even though, sometimes, he can be so unreasonable - complaining things. Yet, all the time, I don't need to worry about any matters. All is being taking care for. The "security" and the magical moments of I don't need to tell him what am I thinking about. He read it. And even sometimes, we could read each other mind clearly. This is what 6 years give us - mutual understanding.

...I really don't know how will I going to absorb another news of he is getting another gf again. This would be the 2nd time, I have to go through this kind of heartbreaking. I got no choice in this issue. His heart has no room for me, even worst..he close it tight. This is the 3rd time, I feel 'again'...the disappointment of trying to crack the door of his heart. ..And again...I feel very tired of loving him.

For the passed 6 years...I have been loving in the same man, I have keep on asking myself...what is so special and wonderful about this man that keep this woman waiting and waiting continuously, exhaustedly...over year by year...while the outcome is still the same - left nothing...but...the way he easily told me, "You can forget me. You can do it because you have done it once before. You can get through it. You are strong.." I was like...questioning myself...what's make me so blind of spending the 6 years in loving this man?

I really does not know how long more I will love this man. Another 2 years "again"? I do not put myself into this term of commitment again in which I did it after we broke up.

He told me once..."If one day, the fate got us together again, I believe we are meant to be".....He told me, "I hope you can forget me and move on. I really care for you as friend. I hope we can be good friend forever.." ..He said, "You were, are and still that weak. Prove me wrong this time.." ....He added, "I'm sorry...of hurting you again...it's just...you love me again at the wrong time, wrong place..."

...I miss him...15/5/01, 15/5/02, 15/5/03, 15/5/04, 15/5/05, 15/5/06 and today.....15/5/07. I have been missing a soul who ever realize...this heart has been keep on waiting...and waiting..

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightfowardingly, without complexeties or pride. So I love you because i know no other way than this... - Pablo Neruda"

new start in toey

Finally....have been settling down myself in this place called "tao payoh" - pretty nice and wonderful surrounding and the house too. It just within 5 mins walk to MRT and 10 mins to work. All the way to MRT is all covered - who will worry if it is raining. The area is crowded with amenities and people as well. It's somehow a death city at night after 10pm, but it so happening in the morning. Perhaps, the population here is "family-oriented" and you will found "kong-kong-po-po" (grandpa-grandma) hanging around this place-hub - sitting there watching people passing by.

The house itself is cosy. I'm kinda love this place. Even though the rent ain't that cheap. But, it does exchange with something - comfort of living.

****************

Spiderman 3!! Who will going to watch with me?! Sigh....start to miss my lovely sister. Back in KL, she would be the one who will catch blockbuster or even some nice movies with me. But here.....all alone yea...all alone. Feels like going to walk in to the cinema all alone again. HATE to do so. I have to do it!! I can category myself as "movie-goers". It has been 2 months I did not step into cinema! Always try to "pyscho" myself - catching a movie alone in the cinema ain't that bad la. People can enjoy of being a single life, why can't I enjoy watching movies alone? Yea...positive thinking...sighh... Really wish one day could walk into cinema with him. But, we know...he first priority list of person he will walk into cinema would be...."her"..or, after that...bunch of friends lining up in the list. Me?!...hmmm......*can't see*can't see*...

Funny things is, everytime, we saw this preview in the television, we can say nothing about that. You know the feeling of "Wow....wanna catch it. Sure it will be so cool la..It's blockbuster man. Everyone will talk about it!" In my heart, I really want to ask him, "hey, wanna catch it together?!"...These words just can't get out from my throat. Don't have the courage to ask because I don't want to be disappointed. He don't even offer the invitation as well - even though he know I love catching movies and I still have no friends to watch with.

I miss him. Even though we are near...but...sometimes, feels the distance away. Yet...I got no rights to request.