last day of year 07

dear boo,

today is the last day of the year 2007.

how are you going to spend this very last day? i need to standby in the hotel until 1 jan 08, 3am. meaning, i will countdown the very 1st day of the year 08 in the hotel.

everyone start to wish one another - "happy new year!" - "blissful year 08" -
everyone start to talk about resolution(s).

me..i just hope we will meet each other again. can't think of any at this moment.

happy new year, chin yoong.

wealth of fountain

dear boo,

i spent another saturday evening at the "wealth of fountain" at suntec. as normal, walking around the fountain for 3 times while quietly repeating the wish. then, make a laser dedication through the pc screen.

yesterday, i have made the same wish as last week. and the following was laser message dedication:
"to: boo from: moo hope we will see each other again. i miss you"


the message appeared quite early as soon as the dedication start at 8pm. the place was quite crowded yesterday. i just sat alone looking at the fountain while eating my favorite greentea ice cream - japanese soft-serve ice cream - yama yuki... (SGD 3 per cone....expensive!!) this is also the 2nd time, once the message appearing, i heard..."owwwwh....." from people surrounding me.

http://www.suntecreit.com/sunteccitymall/touristattractions.htm

..i guess i will continue doing so until the day god let us meet again. i don't know when, how, where and on what purpose. all i know now is...i do...i do miss you all the time.

wishing sphere

dear boo,

i believe you have seen this white wishing spheres that are floating onto the water of marina bay. i'd pen my hope and wish on one of this sphere last saturday - hope we will meet each other again.

it just an emotional support and comfort

three more days to go. it's another year again...

commander

dear boo,

how's your working days throughout the week? challenges in handling difficult people (the colleague with 'b')? hope you are still manage to grasp your breath. every morning since monday, i do spend approximately 3 minutes praying to god - hopefully you are well blessed throughout the 24 hours and we both are strong enough to manage the daily issues arises.

got to know one of uniform room's auntie during dinner time these days. she is a very amazing woman who only can remember staff's clock number (a.k.a. employee number). what make me surprise is she remember ALL (600++ staff excluding part timer) when we start to test her. -commander- nick name given by my colleague to her. whenever we are talking to her, she just called our clock number instead of our name. feels like in the army camp. very fun.

everyone, even a simple uniform sorter auntie has her speciality in their work - matching over 600++ 5 digit numbers to each staff. everyone is a professional to their designated task.

.....me and you too.

hope this become an aspiration for you to become more stronger in your work box.

umbrella

dear boo,

it was drizzling tonight. remembered the night we walked under the rain after having our dinner - our favorite fish porridge in amk. the way you become so surprise and so shy of holding the umbrella - which you commented it look like the "guy short". the way we laughed all the way to mrt under the rain, the way you keep on complaining on the umbrella and kept on asking me to buy a new one.

it is so funny and till now, everytime whenever i'm remembered it, i will smile. thank you for the memory.

boo,
my sister told me, i can continue to miss you. i can continue to cry caused of missing you so much. i can continue thinking of our memory at anytime and anywhere. but, i have to tell myself, the very 1st day when you are gone, i might be crying for 10 times in a day, 2nd day, maybe 9 times...and it should be continued to decrease.

i never blame you. and i always tell the people who loves us that i never blame or hate you. i truly believe that i never mistrust where i had put my heart to. you are still the best man i ever know. no matter what has been happened between us, i always tell them, you are still love me a lots as a friend.

truly missing you here...

history of boo

history of boo...the history of us.

dictionary.com define the word as a noun of an "exclamation of contempt or disapproval". the word of boo also used in the halloween day which could define as "ghost sound".

boo in our term, is just something special to call on, instead of "darling", "honey" or even in a simple term of "hi" or "hello". boo is our sms-es language in which it started since the movie of monster inc. on screen in 2001. boo is this cute little girl character name in that animated movie. the movie we last watched together as a couple.

after 6 years, we seems to forget the real meaning of it.

boo, i'm sorry.

dedicate to chin yoong

it take so much courage to dedicate this blog to him - chin yoong.
from today onwards, this blog space will be the place where i'm able to talk to him.

before go far, "chin yoong, merry christmas"...

i really don't know where are you now. i really don't know what should i do that i will only see you again. i really don't know how to keep in touch with you anymore - at this moment. all i want to tell you...i do really miss you.

chin yoong, i really do hope....one day ...one fine day, you will see me again.

you are always be my friend

It has been a very gloomy weather in Singapore. It has been keep on raining. Does not feels like staying in the Asian countries - where hot and humid term take place.

It applied to my friendship with him. It's about a week now, we did not see each other and did not talk to each other. I thought this kind of situation will goes on. But, not until the day, where I really fall sick...where..I really miss him to be around so much. Even just a simple friend's care. Nothing is much comfort when you are lying half death on the bed and a touch of hand on your forehead checking on your fever. Nothing is so much comforting than a message telling you, "you are always be my friend."

...I really miss him a lots. I don't hope to lose this friend for the rest of my life.

pulau sing & pulau ping

Lately, I have been asking myself..."What is the purpose I am still here?" ...Am I really here because of his one sentence "long distance will not work out in me.." ...All my friends who knows the stories, were asking me to move out from his radius. Start a new life on my own and stop keeping in touch with him. But...I defended. I really can't do that. No matter how tough emotionally is and will be, I will keep on trying on built-up our friendship again.

I start to channelling myself into a picture of instead of 'want him to consider me again' to 'really giving my best to him, in order I could really take care of him'.. Dreams of staying with him and taking care of him was the dream I had long time ago before we set apart to University...(our language : pulau sing and pulau ping - spoke out on last night being as a very loving couple sitting facing the sea in Gurney Drive, Penang) ..**suddenly remember the first time, he learned ironing cloths at my home..back in year 2001**makes me laugh now when drafting this blog**

I feel it's my responsibility to take care everything that involve him - from doing all the houseworks, shops for groceries to all the minor-minor issues. I will make sure everything to anything is completed in good manner everyday. For him to come home feels comfortable and relax, that's my aim everyday before and after works. Why I'm doing this? Besides my own selfishness (as he loves to relate all these with it), it's also part of want him to feels blessed about his life. I know, there are so much things he want to accomplish but..he still not manage to achieve his big dreams. Oftenly, he do feels he have nothing; even though I always believe he has the power to change nothing to something.

I'm busy at work as well...but it's been few times, automatically when the clock shows 530pm, I found myself would want to rush back home as soon as possible to finish up all the necessary houseworks for the day. I will bring home the work to finish them up after all the houseworks are all done. Oftenly, I love to leave office a.s.a.p. because of this; but..also sometimes, I do caught in the emotion of loneliness because he is not able to be around for me.

How I wish him to know........ I really really hope you are appreciating me.

friday night

It feels like another ordinary day. Wake up, going to work and coming home from work. Looks 'ordinary'...but, who will know what lies deep inside this heart.

Already 2 days passed from a very stupid attempt to...yea...you know...what you will do when too depress? (left this blank for you to guess).. Keep on telling myself life still goes on. No matter what will happen in the next stage, I should be strong enough to face it like a wild grass spirit. Yea....a spirit which long lost in me. Friend told me, being strong is one things...being depress is another story. When you are too depress, too heartbreaking over something, being strong couldn't help much. We have to be brave enough to fight these feelings.

Again..I don't know where is him now. Probably wouldn't be coming home early like any others Friday. Perhaps he is meeting her up. Why should I be care uh? Yea..if I don't let myself thinking about it, emotionally, I could handle it better. Sometimes, just telling myself, if I really likes someone of course I will would like to see him, wait for his call and even die for the sms sound alert in the handphone. This is what appearing in his life now.

...I do miss him now. But, he wouldn't care. His eyes, his heart only have her... Where is him now? Is he happy? Making jokes around?..Laughing away his headache work days?

Since I'm in Singapore, he never spend a Friday night with me. In which, Friday is the night for hanging out. You can see your own colleagues will leave office on time; you will notice, MRT will pretty pack with people heading towards happening area during the off-work time. And I don't know...will it be one day, he will spend his Friday night for me?...

I miss you...

6 years...meaningless?

"Aiyo...walk faster la..you very aunty la.."

"See..see...you walk very dangerous la. Never look at people. Always 'bang' on people."

"Eh..careful on your ponytail la. Turn you head slowly. Your ponytail will hit people."

...Typical sentences he loves to comment on me whenever we are hanging out together. Especially in the MRT stations. Sometimes, I will feels pretty upset because he loves to said it in public. However, lately, I will miss those so much. I will smile or even laugh on myself whenever I thought of that. Feels his shadow is always besides me.

I believe in August 07 onwards, most of the things will change. We, of course will hang out even more lesser. I will miss those time even more. I don't know how to exactly describe this feelings. Again...I lost him.

Lately, oftenly heard from friends saying the sentence "love is blind". Love can be so blind that we might hurting our own friends without any choices, all because the word of LOVE her / him. He claimed, I should be understand more about it. Yet, one things he does not even know......if love is really that blind...I would not tell this another guy that I will not give up in everything that currently I have give my best to him. Once I have been struggling so much in highlighting the fact that I will not take our friendship for granted because this guy (who might have be my someone special now). I even put into the criteria, if any man who want to be with me, they have to accept the fact, I will not because of this man and break the chain of friendship I having with him and this man should have no power to take all my best on him.

I always believe it's been 6 years, our 'friendship' wouldn't be blind-off cause of love. However, he prove me wrong. He would do anything to everything for the reason of love. I start to feels, he is no longer the person I know so far. Our 'friendship' being put into the cold storage. We do it together - on the purpose I guess.

I really does not know how to work it out. Oftenly, fail in 'resentment' and all the question with 'why?', 'how could he?'... I really does not understand why love can be so blind in him. I have always been trust in him, his value & believe.

He rather choose to lose this 6-years friendship (by continuously hurting and disappointing me in all events), in order to win her heart. He even claimed..if really that is the choice, it alright to lose this friend who have been love, care and trust him for passed 6 years. Love is consider too powerful or too blind or even too stupid to live with?

selfishness

..."you can put your head on my shoulder..."

It was another ordinary day, I putting on my headphone listening to my mp3 collection in my handphone. It was the song by Westlife - On My Shoulder. I just took few steps out from train at the Orchard MRT, suddenly, a man fainted in front of me. I was totally stunned for a second. He really felt down on the marble floor. The falling sound awake everyone who just got out from the train. 2 man rushing toward him and checked on him. I could see his eyes width open. My first question in my heart was "is he still alive?"........It took me few minutes to 'revive' myself.

We will never ever knows what will happen in the future. We only can plan for our life. But, the fate for everything is beyond our power. We will never know, are we still living tomorrow? Or...will be someone we know going to leave us forever?

I always believe in when we are still living today, we should love the person we love and the person who loves us. Appreciate & treasuring them as today, he / she is still part of our life. How many times we have take someone who loves us for granted? How many times, we have ignoring the person who loves us and care for us?...

Sit down...think twice......why we can be so heartless sometimes? It is human selfishess?.. I don't know. Still searching for the answer.

friend's love

Today once I signed-in to the friendster, I have notice I got "new messages". I am so suprisingly to receive this message from one of my old friend. Long lost keeping in touch friend. She is one of our friend who has been encouraging me in 5 years ago to forget what I should have been forgotten. She now, sending me another message of supporting me to be strong in whatever issues am I going through. And then, I was receiving this msn chat-box alert - two of my friends asking me how am I here? Encourage me in all the way they could.

It was touching. I was almost cried when I receive a message from my this long lost keeping in touch friend. I'm basically can't believe that some of my friends here are reading my blog posts. They understand what I am going through. They know I need supports and encouragement.

I really don't know how to express my gratitude to their loves. I am much appreciated and touch. Few of my good friends did keep on asking me to walk away from his circle of life. They can't understand why it's been so many years passed, I still can't let go a love that never bloom, ever appreciated. They can't take it of having such a smart lady in work and so stupid and naive in a relationship. I understand their intention comes from loving me.

Everytime come to the explanation, I become very exhausted of make them understand why I am still here. Maybe, I myself don't have any answer either. I also not too sure, is this 5 years, am I really not let the love go? Yet, I did feels he wasn't there. I lived my own life. I guess, those feelings just re-visited. But, I'm really sure of, I'm much more stronger than before.

I was suffering in loving him in the past because I hope for a return of love. It was much more tougher when you got to know you was actually hoping for dissappointment. I never look back the past as funny or silly of myself. It was some experienced to gets me stronger. I never will let myself repeating the same. Yes, I do still love him now. But, in a way, I wish to take care of him. What I am having now, are those atmosphere, I was dreaming of 5 years ago. I'm appreciate the opportunities of being by his sides now, even though, we are not a steps further than friends. It's about loving someone without hoping for a return in which he will do the same to you.

I don't know how long more he is allow me to be by his sides. The possibility he will somehow, getting a girlfriend soon or even, he is too love me as friend, in a way, he will kick me off from his life. I'm scare of facing it. But, it is still a reality. I got no more excuse to begging onto a feet who does not have any feeling at me.

Whatever it is, I love what am I doing for him now. I know I will never regret. Funny goes, I know I have to face it sooner and later, but I never hope it will happened so fast. Somehow, selfishness do come into picture. It's even funny when I think about...what's wrong with me that's he will not touch with everything I have done for him? I'm not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not understand him enough? What makes me not eligible for him to fall in love with? Well....It's just silly to blame the issue in all this way.

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sin, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes...." - quoted from A Walk to Remember (Nicholas Sparks)

it's been sometimes

Time flies. It's been 3 months I have start a new life here in Singapore. Everything seems sailing smooth. Kinda used to the life here, others than concentrate in building up the career, there is nothing much happening around. Most of my time spending in the Hotel. Facing many different kinds of people with different expectation, standard and ideal of life.

In this piece of note, I would like to share about..yess.. relationship again. I don't know..I guess, I'm handling this issue at the weakest way. I always trust myself in study and now career. I believe, besides career, money, family & friend to form a live, relationship-love form part of it as well.

When a man does not love you, no matter how much you care for him, spending your time on his stuff, no matter how much you sacrificing yourself for this man; he will somehow still ignoring you by not keeping in touch, making you invisible eventhough a soulful life standing in front of him but he is talking on the phone, he will scold you for nothing, giving you 'black-face' unnecessarily, treating you like a stranger, etc...etc.. The funny fact is, he might make you cry tonight, you hate him a lots, but when the sunrise again in the next morning, you will feels this man worth you to repeat those 'loving him' things again. Is this call, 'you are easy-forgiveness?' or 'too naive?'...If you too love in this man, you will consulting yourself..'ahh..forget it..just live with it..'

Man can be so selfish in many ways. To man, woman is selfish if she is doing things which she herself think (own judgement), it will be good for him without analyzing (standing on his shoes) how awful he feel when all the time, everything he is forcing himself to accept it. It might be the most unreasonable selfishness to woman's point of view; yet..it is the most unforgiveable selfishness to a man who does not love her. Sound so deep..Naive woman..will think.."ahh..whatever..I just love him..am I wrong?"

I do miss someone now. I don't know where is him now. I dare not to sms-ing him. Just pretending does not think of him, even though most of the time I do..think of him. I wish so much watch Transformers with him. When you are being rejected at the 1st time, you probably will try the 2nd time, however, if it is being rejected again, I trust you will be named as 'thick-skin' if you inviting for the 3rd time. It's not only the disappointment you will feels..but, also..you will feels terrible of forcing him to make a decision. So, I have making up my decision of watching it on my own. In order everyone HAPPY! Many times, I can't find the courage to extend another movie invitation to him for the Ratalouille. I don't know..it's just disappointment over another disappointment. I will feels scare.

I do wish to go somewhere for a holiday. Somewhere... Man just too dumb to gets the hint when a gal telling about a holidays means she want to experience it with you. Man just too stupid to say, "Well..you can go with xxx or zzz". He loves to say this sentence.. Anyhow, this is an excuse of telling you..he is occupied by somethings..or he is not interested. Gals..get the hint? Live with it.

At this stage, I'm losing the confidence in a relationship. Loving someone is not that simple as describe in any dictionary. Through him, I see myself better. Many things I don't worth to be loved in return. However, I'm trying to build up my courage to continue living in a life of just giving out love without expecting any in return. Definitely..not an easy lesson!..

"Courage is not the absence of fear... but rather the judgement... that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever... but the cautious do not live at all.."

it's 2:30 am

It is 2:31am - Sunday morning now. I totally awake after drank 1 small bottle of wine consist of 13.5% alcohol. I was totally death sleep for the passed few hours. I don't know how to get myself into bed now. Realizing he is still not home yet since this morning. I don't know where is him now, and dare not to send any sms to him. Don't know how is him for the whole day. Hope he is alright.

waiting again

Day started off with a heavy rain. Suddenly, many thoughts bothering and attacking my heart. Going through few different / split personalities whereby I myself didn't know which one is me. I don't know how far I can go from here. I'm scare. Feels empty and insecurity. I don't know how to makes things right. I don't know which the best solution for the problem I'm facing now.

I just can sit there staring at the outside rain. Thinking nothing..about..the matter of "them". It's just so suddenly the impact of he is going to get her to be his gf crashing down to my heart. I don't know when. Probably soon. I don't know. I'm very worry for myself. I don't know how am I going to take it. How am I going to survive in this kind of situation - "again"?. While, even worst....we are staying under one roof.

*long pulse*...

I love being with him all the time. Even though, sometimes, he can be so unreasonable - complaining things. Yet, all the time, I don't need to worry about any matters. All is being taking care for. The "security" and the magical moments of I don't need to tell him what am I thinking about. He read it. And even sometimes, we could read each other mind clearly. This is what 6 years give us - mutual understanding.

...I really don't know how will I going to absorb another news of he is getting another gf again. This would be the 2nd time, I have to go through this kind of heartbreaking. I got no choice in this issue. His heart has no room for me, even worst..he close it tight. This is the 3rd time, I feel 'again'...the disappointment of trying to crack the door of his heart. ..And again...I feel very tired of loving him.

For the passed 6 years...I have been loving in the same man, I have keep on asking myself...what is so special and wonderful about this man that keep this woman waiting and waiting continuously, exhaustedly...over year by year...while the outcome is still the same - left nothing...but...the way he easily told me, "You can forget me. You can do it because you have done it once before. You can get through it. You are strong.." I was like...questioning myself...what's make me so blind of spending the 6 years in loving this man?

I really does not know how long more I will love this man. Another 2 years "again"? I do not put myself into this term of commitment again in which I did it after we broke up.

He told me once..."If one day, the fate got us together again, I believe we are meant to be".....He told me, "I hope you can forget me and move on. I really care for you as friend. I hope we can be good friend forever.." ..He said, "You were, are and still that weak. Prove me wrong this time.." ....He added, "I'm sorry...of hurting you again...it's just...you love me again at the wrong time, wrong place..."

...I miss him...15/5/01, 15/5/02, 15/5/03, 15/5/04, 15/5/05, 15/5/06 and today.....15/5/07. I have been missing a soul who ever realize...this heart has been keep on waiting...and waiting..

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightfowardingly, without complexeties or pride. So I love you because i know no other way than this... - Pablo Neruda"

new start in toey

Finally....have been settling down myself in this place called "tao payoh" - pretty nice and wonderful surrounding and the house too. It just within 5 mins walk to MRT and 10 mins to work. All the way to MRT is all covered - who will worry if it is raining. The area is crowded with amenities and people as well. It's somehow a death city at night after 10pm, but it so happening in the morning. Perhaps, the population here is "family-oriented" and you will found "kong-kong-po-po" (grandpa-grandma) hanging around this place-hub - sitting there watching people passing by.

The house itself is cosy. I'm kinda love this place. Even though the rent ain't that cheap. But, it does exchange with something - comfort of living.

****************

Spiderman 3!! Who will going to watch with me?! Sigh....start to miss my lovely sister. Back in KL, she would be the one who will catch blockbuster or even some nice movies with me. But here.....all alone yea...all alone. Feels like going to walk in to the cinema all alone again. HATE to do so. I have to do it!! I can category myself as "movie-goers". It has been 2 months I did not step into cinema! Always try to "pyscho" myself - catching a movie alone in the cinema ain't that bad la. People can enjoy of being a single life, why can't I enjoy watching movies alone? Yea...positive thinking...sighh... Really wish one day could walk into cinema with him. But, we know...he first priority list of person he will walk into cinema would be...."her"..or, after that...bunch of friends lining up in the list. Me?!...hmmm......*can't see*can't see*...

Funny things is, everytime, we saw this preview in the television, we can say nothing about that. You know the feeling of "Wow....wanna catch it. Sure it will be so cool la..It's blockbuster man. Everyone will talk about it!" In my heart, I really want to ask him, "hey, wanna catch it together?!"...These words just can't get out from my throat. Don't have the courage to ask because I don't want to be disappointed. He don't even offer the invitation as well - even though he know I love catching movies and I still have no friends to watch with.

I miss him. Even though we are near...but...sometimes, feels the distance away. Yet...I got no rights to request.

working saturday

this is my first time of working on Saturday. I have been working for the past 2 years and working on Saturday never been part of the contract, unless working overtime.

It was really another "tiring" day. Off work around 1:30pm. I don't know why everytime I walked by this underpass, no matter it is 6pm, 6:30pm or 1:30pm, the walkway always crowded with lots of people. Heading ups and downs. It is also my very first day, I got my ears blocked with mp3 songs playing from my new music player mobile. Almost everyone you see in the MRT are doing so. It's like the trend in Singapore. It is not only restricted to teenager, but you can find the same trend to some aunties. My first impression when seeing them doing so is, "wah...cool~"...I can't imagine if my mum will ever do so.

After that, I went to have a haircut. Thought it would be nicer in the sense of I could more easily handling my hair. But, IT IS NOT! Ya...my workplace need to tie-up all my hair into a "bun". It's very annoying. If you not get the styling right, you will look much like "auntie". In the sense of, I'm not good in it and it's destroying my straight hair! However, every place you go, there are rules to follow. Well, I never have this haircut style before. Kinda new image to me. But, still look like me. What am I talking about?

Right after reached home, I got myself doing the rest of the laundry. Never thought, another super "bad-luck" things happened to me again. This connection of water outlet discharge from washing machine to bathroom was sort of disconnect. The whole kitchen was basically FLOATED! It took me about half an hour to gets all the water out from the kitchen and dried off the floor. This what make me super tiring. My backbone was sort of injured. Sigh... Luckily, nobody home. At the end of successfully get the kitchen floor dry, I also get the floor clean and smooth to walk on. However, I had clean the kitchen like last week?! It's not necessary to do it again in this week.

(Still about doing laundry). At first I'm not that used to the way Singaporean doing laundry. I am living in this HDB flat - more likely a flat in Malaysia with slightly better. There is no place for you to dry out your clothes, etc. There are few hanging poles on the top of the kitchen which hang onto some kind of attachment to the ceiling. The ceiling height is around 3m?...Ya..it's quite high for me. Each time, I need a chair to help me reaching the poles to hang on those cloths. It gets tougher, when I need to dry out this queen-sized bedsheet and comforter cover. It needs few times of climbing up and down the chair and I'm not tall enough to get those in position. It took me lots of energy in doing so. Well....I have done it.

After did the ironing cloths, I was death sleep. Planning to wake up around 7:30pm to watch "A Walk to Remember", but I only awake at 9:30pm. In which I am so regret of because, I can't sleep now! Time already show 11:53pm. Long night to go.....

easter holiday

today is the easter holiday in singapore. i couldn't go back hometown as tomorrow i still need to work. today time passed quite fast. probably, i have spent most of time personalized my new mobile, sleeping and doing housekeeping.

i know i have to sleep now. yet, don't feel save to sleep as nobody home yet. quite scare, of course.

tomorrow, would be another ordinary day of going to work. there is one huge personal issue need me to solve, need me to prepare emotionally without breaking down. there is always no solutions to it since 5 years ago. our issues...never have the solutions. because of that, i do feel "lazy" to think of any solution as it is always deemed to be rejected. whatever my decision is, always sound i'm stubborn to him. the issue never gets out of my life. just trying my best to get rid of it. putting whole of my effort in tuning myself into the career in order not to think much about it. it does much "torturing" to my heart. but, this is the best solution for us?...maybe...

FRIEND! ya....that's the repetitive word which always comes into picture! that's deemed the best title for us.

loneliness still visiting me that often. everyday, keep myself clear once wearing up the "assistant manager" uniform and trying to put all the personal issue asides. yet, once, i gets it off and start walking back to mrt, loneliness come along accompany me all the way back home. people passing by very fast. some having another one who call lover accompany them to walk along the underpass.. the emotion gets more lonely when everytime passing by this man singing some romantic songs with playing some musical instruments. why I have chose loneliness? i do ask and wondering, what time he will be reaching home tonight? having plans again? qnd ya..as usual...I can't ask. it's been few times, drafted sms and yet deleted before it is being sent out. time after time, just let those questions passed by and leave. if I'm doing it, i'm crossing the line in which he has set earlier on.

i do looking forward to find my own circle of friends. in which, i hope i will not be that lonely here. furthermore, i believe this is what he want me to live in all the while. whatever i'm trying to do, i do mean it at the best. i don't hope to become one of his burden.

i don't know why i got this feeling, next month is going to be the hard time for me to go through. who want to be lonely during birthday? who wanna be catching own favourite upcoming movie (pirates of carribeans) by walking in the cinema on your own? i know, no matter what i shoudn't be break down. i have promise him, no disappointment in any ways. nobody force me to be here living in the loneliness. i got no one to be blame. i just need to get myself strong enough to face the reality and to be on my own.

i know i have been waiting for someone which is more likely waiting for rain in the drought.

through the rain

When you get caught in the rain
With nowhere to run
When you're distraught and in pain
Without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's ok
Won't you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down
Don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound
So keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need
To prevail
Won't you say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you
You'll never pull through
Don't hesitate
Stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
On my own and I know
That I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
And I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day and I
I can make it through the rain
Oh yes, you can
You're gonna make it through the...
Rain...

*a song that once i had been in love so much, which had make me stand-up from the discouragement. after 5 years now, this song touch me again to encourage me to walk-out from the loneliness*

old emails

....i am seriously in deep crying now. i was too bored until read back all those "old" emails back to date year 2002. emails which started off with very sweet meaning until breaking my heart apart.

i didn't know how i was able to take it in those period. i do recall, it must a deep hurt and i took a very long time to climb up, back the confident shuiman. when i'm reading them through, i will still crying. i don't know how he manage to wrote such touching emails that i believe when times he wrote them, his heart was painful too.

i don't know why at this time, i do really hope he is around. catch him to read back those emails which continuously to make me cry even time passed 5 years now.

i also can't figure why i still keeping those emails. for the memories i guess and for the reminder to myself everytime, i'm about to fall in love with him again. hurt was previously made. first love.

lonely saturday in singapore

my week was actually started great. everything is new and i do feels want to explore more into this "stranger". rirst 3 days was very busy of settling down - going to GHS to report myself, medical checkup, banking stuff and others. yet, until the end of the week, i start to feels very lonely. he was busy with his works and own circle of life. he has no extra time to entertain me. ya...I try to survive here without anyone. i try to be strong. i try to prove to myself that i can be on my own taking care of myself. i even try to prove to him, it's alright, you have no worries on me, i'll find own entertainment. yet, somehow, something missing. - Care and Love -

it is really lonely when you take the mrt ride for 45 mins from office-home without anyone there. everyone in the mrt is a stranger to you. it is also lonely when you have dinner on your own and even when you got things to share but no one is hearing you. gosh........I don't hope I'm falling into the depressing mood.

at this moment...ya...I miss him a lots. I don't know where is he now. I can't ask when he did not say. This is one of our rules. i don't know what time he will be home. he just said...."very very very very late in the midnight".

it's so weird. it's kinda "struggling". no matter how much you love someone. you can't let him know either show him. you know there is a bad affect if you are doing it. in order you don't want to lost something in which you are quite happy for, you wouldn't do more than that to scare him off.

I know the fact, we can't be get back together anymore. The feelings are long gone. Almost 5 years - we are separated by different location and life zones. The spark no longer functioning. If I'm looking forward there is any chances, I know I'm just being very silly and naive. His life has been move on long time ago. I just hope no matter what I am doing now, is only those of the things I wish to done for him for the past (4+2) years when I don't have such chances.

I do appreciate we are still best friend now. He is still around for me when times like this. It's only...he can't devoted his time to accompany me. He is still the one I known 6 years ago.

Will he still remember my night safari trip?

~moo miss him lots~

strange city to live in

this is my first weekend “trap” inside this city – a city who call a “stranger” to me.

everything, every event happened too fast, too sudden and too surprisingly. i never thought i will be living here as what it is now. alright! if I’m planning for it, i never expected all this were happened within 1 month.

events that brought me to where I am now:

feb 02 to 04 – trip down to singapore with the main purpose: celebrating one of my dear old friend’s birthday. it has been 3 years i never came to singapore for him since the last time. the atmosphere and feeling are good. while learning more about living in singapore when having an opportunity meeting up some of my ex-course mates who are currently working in singapore as well. the end of the trip, something “zapping” into my heart: I should think about coming down Singapore to work.

feb 05 to 10 – seriously thinking about going to singapore to work. i was non-stop getting comments and feedback from some of my good friends. the main emotion issue i need to solve before making the decision is leaving home, leaving my parent and leaving what i was having – car, standard living environment, good career in which the company management is really appreciate my works. everything is actually sounded very perfect. The question is am i ready to left all this and re-start again? collecting opinions from friends and coincidently on early of the morning when I was driving to work, “Light & Easy” was played this “quote of the day” – “Thinking without an action, you never will achieve what you are thinking about”. finally, i made up my mind to give it a try in applying some jobs online.

feb 12 to 13 – getting some feedback from Jobstreets in which my application is failed. i was start to worry, will I get any jobs in singapore with the basic salary i requested. if i don’t getting such offer, why bother should i be leaving.

feb 14 – valentine’s day. just another day of the year, i thought it would be nothing special to me. yet, while driving home after work, i received a call from singapore. my first thought was actually thinking would it be my best friend? But, i’m wrong. it is extraordinary. a career is offered by grand hyatt singapore!

feb 15 – first interview conduct in KL. they were asking me for second interview in singapore itself, after CNY which is 26^th March 07.

feb 16 – feb 25 – Struggling weeks. i was like getting the job with 50% success. i start to feel scare and worry about lots of things – leaving home for don’t know how long, financially and the most to make myself clear: the main reason I want to go there? It is because of wishing for a new environment? Or such a good career offer in a big organization over the world? Or because of him?............... i know it’s my own responsible to make this question clear before really make the decision. all of my good friends are concern the most that I might be as silly as 5 years before. their one and only reminder, “never go there because of him!”

feb 26 – interview. i still have not got the answer to the most important question. i just told myself, once i stepped into the Hotel, i will put myself at the best for the interview. i bring the most confident of myself. i think of no others. finally, i got the job with never negotiate basic salary i requested. i’m happy for they never deduct the basic salary. as it is prove i deserve at such amount. they give me what i requested. yet, i don’t feel really happy either in the situation, i got the job. my feeling was all the way “numb”. i know i’m very scare deep down. i know, i got no turning point at this time. i got no one at this place. even tough, he is here. but, we just best friend – line was draw clear. it was really another “turning point” of my life – a job in singapore, and love problems.

feb 27 – back home. waiting for my work permit being approved and planning for the next step. at this point, i do hope to leave as soon as possible. for being selfish of planning if i could get to singapore before may 07, in which i give myself a chance to have him to celebrate my birthday as he has been missed it in these 6 years.

march 01 – in sudden, news of my dad being attacked by stroke bring my world turning around. i feel such a bad daughter of leaving home at this time. i know i will absolutely miss my dad a lots if i’m leaving. my emotion was totally out of control. i really don’t know what to do. am I doing the right move?

march 02 to march 14 – settling down my dad’s stroke problems. talk with my parent. and my dad is really supporting my leaving as he doesn’t hope with his problem affecting my decision and my future career. i have make up my mind after taking consideration of all the issues around. i can’t help much if i’m around for him. all my family need now is financial support.

march 15 – GHS called and confirming my work permit has been approved and they are willing to buy me off from my current company by paying them my two month notices. i need to leave immediately.

march 26 – Here am I.

april 02 – 1^st day in Grand Hyatt Singapore.

that’s the summary of events happened to me within 1 month. i still can’t take it as reality. i am in singapore now. i’m living in singapore. am i dreaming? every night since i’m here i do make a call back for my parent. i miss them a lot. and tonight especially extra miss them as i do feels very lonely. after the called made, i cried. i still try to pursued and telling myself, i do not make a wrong decision.

love

basically, i don't know how to start off with this "blog". feels quite complicated at the moment. feels like something "bothering" my heart now. yeah....it's LOVE. in the meaning of relationship.

sometimes, i'm still asking myself where is my true love. somewhere out there also searching for me?...or is he already appearing around me, yet i'm still blur to discover?..i don't know. want to be in love again. however, i know....Iim not really ready for another commitment again. i'm not believe in "forever"?...do not really trust a man especially their words?...yea...probably...maybe, I do still not really ready to commit myself again. getting too hurt in the past. but...i want to have the feels of being love and love someone!! HELP!

sigh...been browsing through one of my friend's photos. i know she is still thinking much about the past relationship. maybe, still can't let go what is no longer there. seems like seeing myself in her. suddenly, missing someone. not those kind of love...yea...nope at all. it's just some memories - very unforgettable memory for him and me. when love was young.

love, relationship - there is no guidelines to tell you what you should do during some circumstances. follow your instinct, your heart. i always trust nothing is impossible in the relationship if both of you willing to commit in the relationship. long last relationship recipes : not only fate, also commitment, trust and truth.

wish...he is soon find me and we could experience our journey together.

ferris wheel

everyone in malaysia should got to know this "ferris wheel" in taman titiwangsa. it just a huge wheel and yea...of course all the while we been see it in some movies or drama. it's like a fairy tales things. hmmm....well....if got the chance for sure i will grab the opportunity to sit on it and enjoying the scene. experience it. i mean with someone "special"...hahahahahah...sigh....

it's the visit malaysia year. Been reading the newspaper and promoting all the places in malaysia. for me....yeah...of course...feels like wanna go here and wanna go there. this place looks good for holidays. that place looks perfect for a rest. yet...money & budgeting comes into the pictures.

somehow, I'M FINALLY DECIDED TO GET A PASSPORT tomorrow! hahahhaha...yea....has been talking about it since 1 year ago. people has been asking me am I going somewhere oversea?...hmm....of course in these 5 years plan?...hahaha..at the moment intention of getting the passport just "in case" situation. i don't know what tomorrow will bring. maybe out of "sudden" I got the opportunity to go "oversea"? Who knows right?

last day of year 2006

it's the last day of the year 2006. was actually planning of going to one utama for the countdown, yet, unpredictable, I went to malacca one day visit with my parent, sister and my sister's bf. Woww....it's really been a very tired day for us.

so....i miss out another countdown again. hahah....another side of it...i gain a memorable days with my parent. I know they have much fun of today. and i know they must be have a great night sleep today as they been walking too much.

we have been taking a lots of photos. me alone i think has been taken around 50 pictures. must be thinking, what so much in malacca?..Yeah...I did really act like a tourist....NON-MALAYSIAN tourist of course.

Ummm........anyway, happy new year to all my friends! hope coming year would be a wonderful year, blessing and really a happy year...about 15 mins away, we will going to say goodbye to the year 2006!!...